This one’s “Alex”.
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
My favorite female superhero
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw