Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!