This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

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Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.


Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.


[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.


I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.


An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car


No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.



G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry


How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.