This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
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we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons