this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting