This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**