This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
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You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!