This pepper has seen some $h1t.
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Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
No.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
A drum solo but on your face.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Don’t snitch tag.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said