Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Cheeseboy22

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@christinaloca

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

@TheDjinnTrials

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

@KyleMcDowell86

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

@PJTLynch

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

@darksidedeb

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

@MomOnFire

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

@ElizaBayne

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

@Birdhumms

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.