This pepper has seen some shit
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door