@FullofFrap

This pepper has seen some shit

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@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

@slimmy_shady

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

@BlindChow

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

@retreminy

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

@LEDawes

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

@birbigs

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

@Nickadoo

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

@carlawh

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.