This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Support your local cemetery
*pronounces patio like ratio
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.