Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

🤣😂🤣😂