“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
You Might Also Like
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
knights of the ikea table
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Breaking news:
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.