this post was so formative to me
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Gods work.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
nobody’s gonna understand
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going