this post was so formative to me
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(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
<- sleeps well with others
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball: