This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
You Might Also Like
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.