This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
i actually laughed 😩
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Y’all know who you are.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way