This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
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I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia