This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
You Might Also Like
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.