This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”