This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
What flavor cupcake are these
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
This is my bus stop.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy