This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
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Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Stop sending me this shit.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
“A little help here, Danny?”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Ha
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese