“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
You Might Also Like
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.