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My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months