This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
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I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Every time my phone rings
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go