This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
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Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Saturday
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
WHO DID THIS?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.