This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
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Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Writing, She Murdered.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
HELP 😭
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home