Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I found it.

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.