“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
inventing words: clothing
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”