Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.