THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”