THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
dutch is not a serious language
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Good boy 😂😂
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”