This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!