This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.