This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
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Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.