“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
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I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry