Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

listen closely

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”