This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
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Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
This is my emotional support knife.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it