This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
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wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”