this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.