This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
You Might Also Like
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something