“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Jesus Christ lmao
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago