This story is comedy gold 馃槀
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
so you鈥檙e telling me a boot cut these jeans
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Just ordered me some pizza!
Damn … History Channel 馃榾
#archaeohistories
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Active Yeast: Let鈥檚 make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let鈥檚 stay in bed man
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I鈥檝e ever been to.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you鈥檙e standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you鈥檙e standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat