This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.