This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
beware of dog
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.