“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
You Might Also Like
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!