“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
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The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”