This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down