@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

You Might Also Like

@Gorrdano

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

@Shariv67

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

@Nickadoo

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

@kelkulus

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

@marsboyroy

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

@imence2

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

@TrueTorontoGirl

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

@NotthatAdamWest

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

@noog

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.