This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.


“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”


America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.


If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU


Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.


Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.


My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.


The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.


Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.