@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

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@Michael1979

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

@XplodingUnicorn

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

@heatherlou_

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

@abbycohenwl

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

@Wtftab

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

@JustLikeMikee

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

@Mr57percent

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

@OMGSoOverIt

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?