This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
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Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.