Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

😂

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter: