Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
ME: No minibar?
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.