@Wieneraaron

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

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@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@Bnowaygirl

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

@SondraDeeMe

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

@panmidwest

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

@krisv_723

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@chuuew

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

@dadmann_walking

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?