This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
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A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.