Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.