This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
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My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?