“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
You Might Also Like
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.